teacher: you’re 5 minutes late
— Emily Giffin, Something Borrowed (via simply-quotes)
I’ve only confided this to people outside of tumblr maybe once.
anyhow, it never seems to register to anyone how serious of a thought this is to me.
i told the guy that i love i didn’t want to be here anymore.
his response was then leave.
in his defense, i’m pretty sure he thought i was talking about our pitiful excuse of an almost but not quite or at least not now maybe in the future relationship.
which made me feel both better, then worse.
but even so, after explaining to him what i really meant, he proceeded to stay quiet.
all i wanted was for him to talk. to say something that i could hold onto.
but their were no words.
no words of encouragement.
no i love you’s or i don’t want you to leave life.
just utter quietness and a hint of annoyance that both injured my feelings and sparked an anger i have not yet shaken.
we haven’t spoken since my birthday. and i’m not even sure if that counts.
to top that off, within the same 24 hours, i had an experience with my two closest friends where i felt completely disregarded and tossed to the side.
its like no matter how many times i scream out to people “I’M NOT OKAY! I’M HURTING IN A WAY I CAN NOT COMPREHEND AND I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO FUCKING REALIZE THIS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!”
my screams go unnoticed and i’m becoming hoarse.
adding to that, i’ve lost yet another close friend i cherished dearly because of their utter selfishness and i’m starting to feel like a game of jenga.
i am a monument of blocks and missing pieces.
and in an effort to further their own happiness and gain, people i love are chipping away at pieces of who i am, while still assuming I won’t crumble because i’ve never been perceived as weak.
but i am.
i am crumbling and collapsing into a pit of broken promises and compromises that i never truly agreed to.
at some point, not having control over the things that have altered me will consume my strength to fight.
i wonder, how many of the people who have taken pieces of me will show up to my funeral?
how many of them realize how much of me they hold in their palms?
American History textbooks more like
Chapter 1: Introduction to White People
Chapter 2: White Settlers and The Indian Savages
Chapter 3: Whitey Makes A Country
Chapter 4: The Blacks
Chapter 5: Wars, Wars, Wars
Chapter 6: No More Racism!: Martin Luther King Jr. Gives a Speech
Chapter 7: The Modern Whites
— Repetition by Phil Kaye (via electric-wish)
— Demonstrate, Alex Elle (via alexandraelle)